Super Bills by W. Meiners

With the approaching Super Bowl, I thought I could feed readers some of the same trivial facts that I force upon my friends. When you’re watching the Super Bowl on February 3rd, know that the granddaddy of all sporting events and I are the exact same age—XLII. That’s 42, if you’re using Arabic numbers. That’s also two times 21, which seemed like yesterday to me, and an age I never thought I’d reach. Had I known I was going to live this long I would have learned accounting, bartending, or computers. Something beyond the ABCs of reading and writing. There’s not enough money in musings. But I’ll save those frets and regrets for other essays. This naval gazer will focus on my name. I write by William, but like the old Schoolhouse rocker on Capitol Hill admitted, “I’m just a Bill.”

It was a brother named Bill Shakespeare who once pondered monikers. “A rose by any other name,” the bard wrote, “would smell just as sweet.” In 41 years of Super Bowl winners thus far, coaches with a particular first name have smelled more success than any other named head. And though it was Super Bowl XVI before William Walsh made it a sweet 16, a Big Bad Bill has led teams to nine victories. Of course a few of these Bills have doubled and tripled down. Walsh and Belichick have three each, the Big Tuna Parcels two, and the square-jawed Cowher earned his first when the Super Bowl and I were 40.

“Who’s running second in Christian names?” you ask. It’s a three-way tie. Chuck, Tom, and Mike have four victories each. But that’s less than half of the Bills’ take. Of course a coach named Knoll carried the Chuckies on his back, while Tom tag-teamed with victories from Landry and Flores, and it took three Mikes—Ditka, Holmgren, and Shanahan—to represent their given name.

Indeed, this select coaching fraternity can boast a variety of handles from every Tom, Dick, and Hank, but no Harry, and an assortment of other one-hit wonders named Barry, Brian, Tony, and Weeb. Weeb? Weally? What woman would willingly wish Weeb on anyone? Vince got it started with two. Two Dons combined for three. A lone Joe had three. Jimmy snagged two. Madden and Gruden gave us a pair of Johns, and you can mark George for two. But as the Marvelettes harmonized—in a tune written by Bill “Smokie” Robinson—“Don’t Mess With Bill.” At least not on most Super Sundays.

What’s at stake in Super Bowl XLII? Glad you asked. It’s no Tom Thumb coaching the Giants, but a Coughlin looking to put his fellow Toms in second place by themselves. However, the highly favored Belichick (whom I’m rooting against by the way), looking to cap a perfect season for his team and a perfect 10 for Bills.
Still, you may not want to get all Janet Jones Gretsky every time a Bill shows up in sideline headset in early February. Parcels and Cowher were Williams both conquered at the pre-Disney Dance, as was Oakland’s Bill Callahan. And as if any nickname can leave a worse taste in someone’s mouth, consider those losers of four straight Super Bowls—the Buffalo Bills.